Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Unknown...

 
I just love the quote above.  "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." - Corrie Ten Boom.  She certainly knew what she was talking about!  It is such a relief to know that, even when we don't know, God does.  He will take care of the details, if we just trust Him.
 
I have struggled to write this post, and it will probably still stay in "draft" for awhile, but at the same time, I feel the need to write it, but in a way that shares just enough and not too much, if that makes sense.  Anyway, I guess I feel like, I need you to know that I struggle, too.  I feel like you need to know that I am not above trials, and even with my positive outlook, sometimes it's hard to be positive.  I forget God is there sometimes and struggle with the fear of the unknown.  I face hardships and fears that sometimes seem even too big for God.  It is at those times that God's Word is a comfort and surrounding myself with friends and family and fellow believers is so important.  It helps so much to know I'm being prayed for. :)
 
At any rate, here are some unknowns that I'm struggling with at present and ask that you please pray with me about, if you would.  Thanks.
 
  1. The decision to home school next year.  I'll admit, this is hard.  I don't know what curriculum to use, how to go about it, and I'm completely overwhelmed.  I know it will all work out because this is what we believe God wants us to do, but it feels "too much" right now.  I will just keep praying that God works out all the little details, and that we will find the right curriculum that will work for my boys, especially my middle guy who struggles with reading and writing.  I want to do right by him more than anything, and I am trusting God to show me the right way to teach him so that he can not only get by but thrive and excel.  I also want my oldest to be challenged enough.  It will be an interesting time, for sure!  Prayers welcome, please and thank you! :)
     
  2. The decisions regarding our health.  We are trying to make good decisions about what to eat, how much to eat, exercise, sleep, medications, vitamins, supplements, doctors, specialists, etc. and that can be a big task.  Deciding what doctors to see or not see, when to call or not call, can be a bit challenging at times.  We want our kids and ourselves to have the best health possible in all aspects, but we don't want to just leap when sometimes it is better to wait, especially in regards to medications. 

    As to our food situation, we know that is not something we can change all at once, or we won't stick with it, and we've been doing our research.  Let's just say, WOW!  There's a LOT to read out there for sure!  We have the head knowledge, I'm sure of that, it's just implementing what we know in the right way.  God is working in my heart and my hubby's heart on the same things which helps so much.  Being on the same page is always a plus.

    Please pray that we will make the changes we need to in the right way, and know when to press for testing or just "wait and see" or medicate or not medicate.  Thank you. :)
     
  3. The decision to trust God with a true unknown.  This is the update on the unspoken request I talked about here before, but it may get a little TMI, so I apologize for that (and if there are kids who are reading this, you need to ask your parents/guardian if it's ok for you to read further), but I feel that I need to share this.  God won't let me let it go (trust me, I've tried to ignore this), so I am going to trust Him and share it.  Ok, here goes...

    Before I begin, here's a little background that is important to what I have to share.  After I had our daughter, I had a Tubal Ligation (we think - it was not in the surgery notes, though it was on one piece of paper, so we were told it was done, and we're trusting that) and then about 7 months later or so, I had a Thermal Endometrial Ablation with D&C done. 

    We did the Tubal because each one of our children was born early (each one earlier than the last, in fact), we'd gone through 2 NICU experiences, and my health was not in the place where we thought we should have any more children.  We prayed about it and believed it was the right choice, though definitely not an easy one.  We weren't against having more kids, we just thought (especially after talking with the doctor) that it was more of a risk than we should take. 

    We did the Ablation later due to very heavy periods that were coming too close together in the hopes that it would help that and keep me from having anemia issues or even a hysterectomy.  We agreed that it was the best choice for us and the safest, especially since we'd had the Tubal and were not planning on having more children.  This matter was also bathed in prayer, and we had God's peace about this, too.

    Anyway, the Ablation seemed to work, the Tubal seemed to do its job, and we fell into life again, believing and trusting that everything would be just fine.

    In January of this year, I had a missed period.  I didn't think too much of it at first...but then I started having early pregnancy symptoms.  I knew the chance was pretty slim, but I had read and heard it was still possible, so we bought a pregnancy test.  The results were negative, so I relaxed a little, but still found myself worried. 

    For one, we never had 100% positive proof that the Tubal had been done.  For two, I felt pregnant based on symptoms.  I cried and tried not to worry, begging God to show to me if I was or not so that we could see the doctor and hopefully not hear some horrific news about a tubal pregnancy or low survival rate.  I didn't mind at all the idea of having another baby, even if the risks were higher, I just didn't want to find out that a Tubal had NOT been done and I'd made the decision to have an Ablation that made my uterus nonviable based on the belief that it HAD been done and then have the baby not survive or worse.  Just broke my heart in two thinking about it.

    It was a full week after I took that test before my period started (that's later than I've ever been in my life), and when it did, it was very heavy, almost like a regular period (I've not had more than spotting in over 2 years), and that concerned me a little, but not too much because I was so late, I figured it was probably a little normal.  There was some clotting, too, but most of it looked old vs. new (you gals will know what I'm talking about, I'm sure), so I decided not to worry about it too much...Until it lasted for 2 weeks.  I couldn't get out of my mind that perhaps I had indeed been pregnant and lost the baby, but I decided to call the doctor and see what they thought.

    I couldn't get through to my normal OBGYN, so I called a local doctor who was a midwife who I've seen before, knowing they could answer my questions.  They listened and told me what to watch for, but told me that I didn't need to come in as of right now.  They couldn't tell me for sure or not if I'd had a miscarriage, but from the sounds of it, they thought I should be ok unless this, this and this happened kinda thing.

    Let's just say, it's been an emotional ride for me.  I may never know this side of Heaven if I was pregnant or not, and in some ways, I don't want to know.  It makes it that much harder.  It's hard to wonder if I'm being ridiculous or not to wonder about it, too.  I guess it's normal to wonder, but still, there are times I feel foolish about it all.  All in all, there may be a sweet little baby I will never see on this Earth waiting for me in Glory, or there may not be, but I know that God is giving me peace about it all.  He has shown me that to dwell on the "what if"s in life doesn't help anyone.  I can wonder about it, but the truth is that I simply don't know - only God does.  I will trust that God will help me through the wondering and help me trust that it will all be ok and calm my heart.

    I know that if things continue to be different around my monthly cycle that I'll have to go in and have a check-up to make sure something isn't amiss (and regardless, I'm talking to my regular doctor about it in March when I'm scheduled to see him).  Early menopause runs in my family and Fibromyalgia can mess with your hormones, so (although this may not have been a miscarriage) this may be the beginning of something that needs more looking into.

    Please pray that I will allow God to bring His peace and that I will know when to call the docs and when to wait.  Thank you. :)

I am so grateful that I have God, wonderful friends and family to help me through all the unknowns in life.  To have someone hold your hand, give you a hug and tell you, "I'm praying for you" makes all the difference in the world.  To know that you can pray, to feel God's peace - I don't know what I'd do without that!  It is such a comfort to me.
 
I hope you haven't minded reading about my struggles today.  I wish I didn't have any, if I'm honest, but that simply isn't true.  The one positive side in it is that I understand when you say you are struggling.  I may not have your exact struggle, but I know what struggles are like.  Know that I pray for you all, especially when I'm having a rough time because I know I cannot be the only one, and that chances are, one or more of you is having a worse time than me!
 
What are you struggling with today?
If you wish, leave a comment or send me an email and I'll make sure to pray for you specifically, by name and situation.  You are not alone, my friend!  I'm hear if you need me - don't forget that! :)  Love you, my readers!
 

UPDATE, 2-27-12: I talked to the doctor's office about the Tubal and was informed that it IS on my discharge notes in several spots, so it was done.  That is a huge load off of my mind.
 
Also, one of the things we had to decide was about an eval my middle kids to determine the cause of his learning issues.  We could get it pushed up IF we said we were concerned about his condition being a mental problem (like schizophrenia, multiple personalities, etc.) which we (the doctor and us) do NOT believe is the case.  We decided that we'd rather be on a waiting list indefinitely waiting on an eval than to have our child labeled forever as us thinking he was mentally unstable. 
 
He is also making some great strides in his learning, but still struggles in some basic areas in regards to reading/writing.  We believe he has a type of Dyslexia and/or Sensory Processing Disorder, but the testing (so far) has been inconclusive, so the eval is the only way to get to the bottom of things so that we can help him thrive in the learning department across the board.
 
At any rate, we'd rather keep guessing and checking with his learning than have it on record somewhere that we thought he was mentally unstable when we clearly do not.  He's just a smart kid who has trouble getting it out in a way we can relate. :)
 

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Julie. First of all, I will be praying for you. I hope all of the things you are struggling with right now fall into place and you can move forward in peace.
    I'm so sorry about all that has happened and with you having to wonder if you were pregnant. I can't imagine how stressful and emotional this has been for you. Slipping into doctor mode here, if you had a tubal ligation done, there will be a record of it---it will be in a discharge summary in your hospital chart. If it was done, it would also be noted in your hospital chart itself(and in the dictated notes of what transpired during your surgery). If there is no mention of it in those places, it was not done. There would absolutely be a record of this procedure if it was performed.You can request that these hospital records be sent to your doctor and he/she can get to the bottom of this. You deserve to know without a shadow of a doubt if this was done or not.

    Okay, back in to friend mode. I'm just so sorry you're having to go through this. Praying for you, my friend. --Lisa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lisa! I appreciate that so much.

      The reason things are so uncertain is because it is not at all in the surgery notes, but he did see the paper I'd signed and I think it was on one other paper as well. My regular OBGYN was out of town when I went into labor, so another doctor did the delivery. I see my regular doctor in about 3 weeks, so I will make sure that I ask him to get the discharge summary and see if it's in there. It was never mentioned to me about follow-up care for it, etc. If it was not done...well, that's a whole other can of worms that I just simply don't want to think about at this time, as you can imagine, but I will be asking questions, that I can assure you!

      Thanks for your prayers and taking the time to leave such a helpful and thoughtful comment. It means so much, Lisa. *hugs to you*

      Delete
  2. Julie, for some reason I thought it might be something like this when you mentioned it in your previous post ... this is so hard. It happened to me once, too ... and while knowing is painful, not-knowing is perhaps even more so, sometimes. Sending you love and light, and abiding with you as you find peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Justine. I'm sorry you had to go through that! It's not been easy, but I have good, supportive family and friends and it's helped a lot!

      Thanks again, my friend!

      Delete

Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Feel free to leave a message or email me directly (See the "Contacting Me" page for more information on how to do this.).

Please note that all comments must be approved before they are published. No anonymous comments featuring links or any comments with email addresses or other personal information will be approved. Please email those comments to me instead with your name, and I'll be happy to review them. :)

I respond to ALL comments on here (and I will visit your blog if at all possible, too), so if you'd like to make sure you see that response you can either check back here at a later time to see if I have commented or you can click on "Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) " and you will be notified when there are new comments/replies. If you would like an email response instead of a public response here, please send me an email instead of commenting and I'll get back with you ASAP. :)

Thanks for reading me! I love to hear from my readers so keep the comments/emails coming! :)