Saturday, January 25, 2014

My Struggles...

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I have been trying to write this post for 2 weeks.  It seems like every time I get a moment, something comes up and I have to put this off for another day.  I decided, "Today is the day, no matter what," and so far the day has cooperated! :)  Granted we have gotten a blizzard of sorts so we can't do much, but I'll take what I can get! LOL :)

Now onto my post...

I have been dealing with a lot of struggles lately, most of which have to do with what I want to be able to do vs. what I am actually able to do.  I want to be able to play with my kids like I used to be able to do before Fibromyalgia.  I want to shovel snow so my boys and hubby don't have to do it all (especially when the windchill is 20+ below!).  I want to not be stuck more or less on the couch because I overdid it the day before and can hardly lift my head.  I want to be able to make my brain work and remember things like I used to on the days when Fibro Fog has taken over.  I want the Fibrowolf to leave me alone and not haunt me and my family.  Basically, I want to be normal.  Why?  Because I feel I should be.
 
I don't want to have this handicap of sorts.  I feel like I am letting down everyone, including myself, because I don't look sick.  I feel like I shouldn't feel like this; tired, sick, stiff, down, etc.  I feel like, if I just wanted to enough, I could make it all go away.  I feel like I'm not trying.  I feel like I'm lazy.  I feel like I'm not giving it 110%.  I feel like I am broken.  I feel like I am not doing all I can.  I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle because I'm not strong enough, because somehow I "decided" that I was too weak to win.  I feel like I am being a wimp.  But this is not reality.

Reality is that this is my new life.  I will have days that I hurt.  I will have days that I overdo it.  I will have days where I want with all my heart to do things that my body simply says no to.  I am stuck in a body that does not know nor care that I have a life and family that needs me.  I am stuck in a body that likes to say no.  I have a body that mocks me even when I'm trying my hardest to be normal and do normal things.  I have a body that traps my best intentions and desires deep inside and lets me feel them without being able to do them or that lets me do them and then pay dearly for it later.  I have to choose between helping and hurting or being sick (and not just for a few hours, but for days or even weeks), and I hate it.

No matter how much I want it to be otherwise, I have Fibromyalgia.  I can only do what I can do, and I have to embrace my limitations and know that I am not broken.  I may not be able to do it all, but I can do some, and I need to stop getting mad at myself for not being like I was before.  I need to enjoy the days that I can do the things I used to.  I need to stick to my rules about food, exercise, attitude and environment and stop making excuses why it is so hard. 

Life is hard for everyone.  Just because it has now gotten harder does not mean I feel sorry for myself and stop living.  So it's not fair; so what.  I was never guaranteed or promised fair.  I was promised that God would be with me (Isaiah 41:10), not that it would be easy.  I have something to learn from this Fibromyalgia, and I will learn it...I just wish I knew exactly what it was.

This is the new normal.  I have to make friends with it in a way.  I have to realize that I may not get better, and I may get worse.  I have to do my best to stay healthy and able, but I have to realize that there are and most likely will be days (and probably several) where that just might not happen.  I have to weigh my choices with the consequences and decide.  I have to realize that my choices have a lot bigger consequences now, too.

I have this knowledge in my head, but it is not in my heart yet.  Please pray for me.  I have been pretty emotional lately as this all seems to have come to a head and there is an overwhelming sense of worthless.  I will not let Satan defeat me in this way, but I cannot win this fight on my own.  Lots of prayer and reading God's Word is essential, as is your (and other friends and family) support.  I really appreciate it. :)

Know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers, too.  If you need an ear, my email is always open. :)  I am here for you!

~*~*~*~
 
What are you struggling with today?
What helps you get over the blues?


 

2 comments:

  1. Sending you good thoughts and hugs my friend. I think being honest about how you are feeling will genuinely help...yourself and others reading who are struggling, too.-Ashley

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ashley. It helps to get it out there, and it is my hope that it will help others realize they aren't alone. We all have struggles, and it is nice to know we're not alone in them. Thank you so much for your support! You are a true friend. :)

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