|"Be still, and know that I am God:" - Psalm 46:10a (KJV)|
Tomorrow is the day - my neurologist appointment. It's been nearly 3 months of waiting for this appointment, and nearly a year's worth of odd symptoms, and I'm finding that I have mixed feelings about my appointment. I'm not sure I *want* to know what is going on or even head into the next testing phase, but at the same time, I do. I'll be honest, though - I'm TERRIFIED.
Why am I so afraid? Because it's normal to be afraid of the unknown. I don't want to hear that I might have something awful, but I also am *more* afraid of a "we don't know" or the doctor thinking I'm making it all up, too. It is a very scary thing to be clueless and feel so helpless.
I feel absolutely insane some days because I know I *sound* crazy. I don't look ill or like there is anything wrong - except for maybe the days I use the cane or am moving oddly - and I can be literally fine one minute and practically bed ridden the next. It makes me feel quite certifiable, especially when I see eye rolls or hear things like, "You're *still* having issues?" or when people say things like, "Sounds like..." or "You should try...", and we've already gone down that road and that's not what is wrong or the treatment suggested has not helped me but it would be so nice if it had, or when people ask what's wrong and I have to say I don't know and that the tests have been inconclusive or "within normal", and they act like it must all be in my head or like I'm a hypochondriac. Feeling like I'm being judged in that way makes everything that much worse, and makes me feel that much more alone in this.
Don't get me wrong - I appreciate the advice and the concern, and I *will* be asking LOTS of questions of the neurologist and I *will* be mentioning the treatment options and ideas everyone has suggested, and I know that it sounds all so crazy and unbelievable at times. I understand *all* of that. Trust me when I say that when I can't tell you *what* is going on or I have to cancel things last minute because whatever this is has rendered my limbs practically useless or I've already tried so many things, I *feel* like the biggest failure in all the world on multiple accounts. I *wish* I could figure this out, but it could be a long time for answers to surface.
Through it all, though, I realize that this is where God wants me. For some unknown reason to me, God wants me right here, and I need not fear or worry what anyone else thinks as He is here with me. Whatever happens, He is here, and I will be ok, even if it's not ok.
|"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." -Corrie Ten Boom|
I'd appreciate your prayers very much as I meet with the neurologist tomorrow. Please pray for these things:
- Wisdom. Pray for wisdom, not only for the doctor, but also for me and my husband as we decide next steps for testing, treatment, etc.
- Peace. I don't want to jump to conclusions or focus on "worse case". I want to just relax and know that it will be what it is, and I can't change it, but I can face it with grace and dignity, and I can *know* that God is with me and dwell in His peace. Also, please pray for peace for my kids as they are struggling with things a little, especially when whatever this is hits me out of the blue and I can't move right, focus, etc.
- That I will let God use this in my life. I don't want you to pray that God just heals me, oddly enough. Sure, I'd love for it to go away, but not if that's not what is best for my life. If God, in His wisdom, has allowed me to face this for something greater than myself, then I want to accept that and live through this in a way that shows God is real and that He is here. I want that more than I want to be better.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I go through this! They mean the world to me!
I will post an update after my appointment, though it may take a day or 2.