Thursday, June 27, 2013

Weakness & Strength

 
This is one of those posts I've been struggling to write.  It's one of those posts I write because I know I need to fess up to things that I'd rather not fess up to.  It's where I talk about my struggles and admit that I'm an imperfect human, too. 
 
Let's get to it, shall we?
 
Admission: I've always been totally fine with posting pictures of myself from the neck up like this one.

Me, June 27, 2013

I can paste on a smile, even give a genuine one, and hold the camera at just the right angle and I see that I look ok weight-wise.  Yes, I am down (as of Saturday, June 22nd, 2013) to 227.3 lbs. (according to the Wii, which is right on with the doctor's office's scales if I have it set at -2 lbs. (those who have Wii Fit/Wii Fit Plus will know what I'm talking about), and I could probably subtract a pound or so for the shorts and t-shirt I wear when I check my weight, but I don't, FYI) from around 245 lbs. in July of 2012 which is great...Until you consider that I was down under 215 lbs. for a little while there, almost down to 205 lbs. at times.  I hate when my weight yo-yos, but it does often, especially when I'm struggling to eat right and eating the wrong things more often than I'd like to admit.
 
Anyway, my point is, I'm ok posting pictures of my face, but when it comes to posting pictures of the rest of me?  Not so much.  In fact, I avoid it at all costs.  But today, for the sake of full disclosure and because I need to be just this brutally honest for myself, I am posting *gulps hard* side and front view pictures.


Side View of Me, June 27, 2013

Front View of Me, June 27, 2013

(Yes, these were taken in my bathroom.  I love me some owls! :) )
 
As you can see by the look on my face, I was not thrilled at taking these pictures, let alone posting them (I keep wanting to delete them), but as I said, I needed to.  Why?  Well, because I need to be honest.  What about?  My weakness.
 
I struggle so very much with eating right.  Oh, I know what to do.  I know when I shouldn't eat (i.e. when I'm an emotional mess or bored).  I know food is fuel and not entertainment or a pick-me-up.  I know I should stop eating when I'm full and not just eat because it's there or tastes good.  I know I should start with a smaller portion and eat slowly.  I know I shouldn't eat the processed junk because it makes me feel horrible and makes me hurt and makes me gain weight and is so not worth it.  I know I should eat more fruits and veggies and good for you proteins and whole grains and less sugar and and and.  I know all these things, but yet...here I am, struggling.
 
I am weak.  I admit it.  I thought I could do this without help, but I cannot.  I have decided that I'm tired of relying on me.  I'm tired of trying and failing.  I want to change old habits and there is only one way to do that: I need to lean and rely on God.
 
 
You see, God is the only One Who can give me strength to do those things I need to do.  He is the only One Who can show me how to change for good and to keep me from eating those things I shouldn't.  He is the only One Who can help me get active instead of eat to fill the voids or the boredom.  I need Him for everything, the little and the big things.  I thought this "little" thing could be mine to do alone, and He has allowed me to try, and it has ended up in utter failure.  So now, I turn to Him, begging for forgiveness and asking for His help, and you know what?  He's answered. :)
 
Each morning, I pray for God to help me have the strength to do what I need to do physically (easier to do with Fibromyalgia morning (and sometimes all day long) pains, maybe, but necessary nonetheless).  I also ask Him to help me feed my body right, to take care of myself right, to be a good mother and wife and housekeeper.  I beg Him to prompt me before I eat to ask Him if it is the right food, if I am really hungry, if it will be worth it, if I am eating for the right reasons, etc. and He has listened and is helping.  I can't say I always like that still small voice when I'm getting ready to grab that chocolate bar or scoop that sugar into my coffee, but I'm grateful for it.  It's what I need.
 
I am so grateful for a God Who listens and Who cares so much for me that He would help me with these things.  He has helped me with the worst of the cravings and is helping me find other ways to calm myself than by digging into the chocolate when I'm stressed or upset (namely by bringing scripture to mind like the one above or by showing me that I can wash those dishes or dust or go for a walk or play with the kiddos or any number of things to let out the emotion instead).  He is helping me learn to listen to my body's cues on when I'm truly full and even allowed those not good for me things to make me even sicker than they used to so that I'm not tempted to eat them any more, though I still struggle making wise choices sometimes.
 
At any rate, I guess I just want to say, "This is me.  I'm not perfect.  I struggle, too.  Please pray for me.  Thank you."
 
What are you struggling with?
What do you need me to pray with you about?
 

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for being so honest. I also struggle with my weight and i found your post to be very encouraging.

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    1. Thanks, Rebekah. I'm glad it was encouraging. It was very hard to share, but (especially now) I'm glad I did! :)

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!

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  2. ah man. I had this great comment & my computer froze up and didn't post it. :/

    Anyways....Julie I love your honesty! You are truly beautiful inside & out. You are more supportive than the friends I have in real life. What did I do, to deserve such a great friend - a supportive beyond the doubt, friend!

    As for your weight loss journey. I wish you all the best. All women struggle with their weight. I yoyo myself & hate my body at times. But it's the fact that you are doing something about it, that counts! Those you never tried, never succeed. I hope the journey goes great and you get where you want to be.

    And oh, love the owls!!!

    -Stacey

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    1. Aww, thanks, Stacey! <3 You are such a sweetheart and a great, supportive friend!

      I'm sure I will get where I need to get eventually...I just hate the waiting! :) I think I'm refocused now, and definitely have a better attitude about it and direction, so that's a plus!

      Glad you like the owls. They make me smile. :)

      Thanks for stopping by, my friend, and for your kind words of support!

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  3. Julie, you look beautiful--- in the head shot AND in the full shots. I am so impressed with the progress you're making! You have a lot to be proud of. I've just started a weight loss journey --one that I am praying will be the LAST one--the one that sticks no matter how long it takes me to get where I want to be. It's not easy. We just have to keep plugging away little by little. As with everything in life, there will always be setbacks, but there will also be victories, too. You just keep moving and you will get to your goal. I know it!

    It's so easy to beat ourselves up about past mistakes or things we wish we had done differently. You've just got to let that go and celebrate how far you've come---because YOU HAVE. I know it's easier to type than to do...and I'm typing it to myself, too. I can really defeat myself if I get caught up in the "but if I'd only done this or that when I was so much lighter...." BAH.

    I am very, very impressed with your bravery at posting your full body photos. It's not an easy thing to do when you are not happy with how you look. How do I know? Well, you don't see many full body pictures of me on my blog, do you? NOPE!! --Lisa

    Ps. I love your shower curtain!!

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    1. Thanks, Lisa! Seems you and I feel the same way about the weight loss journey - I want this to be the last time, too! You and your words here encourage me more than you know! Thank you! <3

      Yes, it was hard to post them, but I will do it again when I do a progress update, and I'm nervous already thinking about it!

      Glad you like the shower curtain. :) It makes my day. LOL I know that sounds silly, but it's true. Always makes me smile. Those owls are just so darn cute!!! :D

      Thanks for stopping by. I will definitely be praying for you as you work towards your weight loss goals.

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  4. {Kathy} Real. Honest. Humbly admitting your weakness----that's true beauty. The battles we have with our bodies are the ones which test us on so many levels. Remembering that God made us, loves us and will sustain us are difficult to comprehend when we are not at peace with His creation.
    I am impressed with your bravery. You will surely be blessed by encouragement!

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    1. Thanks, Kathy! Just getting it all out there helps, oddly enough. It made it more real that way, and now I have a public reminder to myself that God is there...and I need Him in all things. I have definitely been blessed by encouraging words, too! :) That is definitely a wonderful bonus. Thanks for stopping by!

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