Saturday, December 6, 2014

Monthly Milestones {12}


Today is my twelfth time, and last for the year, running my monthly feature where I will be giving you updates on how I am doing physically, mentally, etc. and in which you can link up a post about some form of progress you are making, if you wish (see details below). I am enjoying this, and being publicly accountable (as hard as it is) will and is helping me out tremendously.  I hope you enjoy this link-up as well, will link up something inspiring and share it with others so that we can meet our goals together! :)

Here is how I am doing as of today:
Me today, December 6, 2014, at 230.5 lbs.




 
  1. I've gained a little.  Much to my chagrin, my weight has gone up again.  I've technically only gained 0.7 lbs., but I round to the nearest 1/2 lb., so my 230.4 lbs. is rounded to 230.5 lbs.  Anyway, I could blame my weight gain on a lot of things outside my control, but I won't do that.  I know I've not been sleeping as well, I know we've eaten more "quick and convenient" meals vs. healthy ones, and there's been a lot of stress.  I know that it doesn't matter how crazy life gets, I have to eat right and make sure I get some form of exercise or I pay for it later, and I just haven't been diligent about that this last month.  Not only has this lack of taking true care of myself shown in a weight gain, it shows in the amount of pain I've been facing, trouble sleeping, IBS symptoms, etc.  I will definitely be working more on taking care of me, even when life gets nuts, because I have to.
      
  2. I am still trying to walk daily, at least during the week days.  On preschool days (Monday - Thursday), I get about 20 minutes of walking in.  I try my best to do at least one chore per day that requires more effort (i.e. vacuuming/sweeping, laundry (all parts of that), scrubbing the bathroom, shoveling snow).  It doesn't always happen, but it's a goal of mine.  I also try to get a walk in when it's not too cold on non-preschool days.  Again, that doesn't always happen, but it is a goal.
         
  3. Physically, I'm not at my best.  You can read more about this here.  I pretty much just feel "off" most of the time, and have been dealing with more pain (in my breasts and my back and in relation to headaches/migraines), general fatigue (sometimes overwhelming) and still having that weird swallowing thing when I have a lot of phlegm especially (like right now since I think I'm starting to get a cold or something).  My brother and his wife just sent me a book to read that may help with all of this (Thanks again, John and Patty!  Love you!).  We shall see!  Prayers appreciated.  It can get really hard to stay positive and upbeat, especially when all the tests have come back "within normal" but they agree that something is going on, they just can't find it.  Thanks so much!
        
  4. I've decided to keep doing Monthly Milestones indefinitely.  I know the interest in this link-up is varied, but that doesn't change the fact that it is good for me.  I'll keep it up for, because I need it.  I may change the look a little or even just take the link-up part out of it (not sure yet or that one, but probably not), but I'll keep it around.  If it helps encourage one other person on the planet, it's worth it! :)
       
  5. I'm starting to find my new groove with my blogs.  I don't know how many of the new changes that I wanted to make will happen (I've been re-thinking some of them), but I'm starting to figure out when I can blog and when I can't.  I want to post new recipes on Natural and Free weekly, but it doesn't always happen, and may not.  I can aim for at least once a month, though, for now.  I'm trying to post at least once here, too, between Monthly Milestones' posts, but that doesn't always happen either.  I'll be working on that. :)  I still want guests on both blogs from time to time, I still want to do link-ups from time to time, and so many other things.  I'm still working on getting my old, but now watermarked images up here, too.  It's been so busy, but Christmas break is coming, and I'm hoping to get a lot done then.  We shall see! :)  Don't give up on me yet! LOL :D

Before I sign off, I wanted to show you my "year in review" as far as Monthly Milestones goes.  Here's what this last year has looked like:

 
I know 4.5 lbs. isn't a ton, but it's something! :)  I'll take it, and hope that next year it will be at least double that.  We shall see!  I want to thank all of you who have supported me along the way.  Your support has meant so much more than you know.  The days I felt like giving up, I'd think of all of you out there cheering me on and praying for me, and it made all the difference.  Thank you so much for being there!


How are you doing?  Are you reaching your goals?  Have you tried something new?  Come up with a new recipe?  I hope all is going well with you, and I hope you will link-up a post telling me all about it or even leave a comment sharing your thoughts.  As always, I wish you the best of luck in all you do, and hope you will return soon! :)





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Saturday, November 22, 2014

I'll Take Your Way

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
 
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55 Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
2 Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
3 Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
4 Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.
5 Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the Lord thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee.
6 Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
12 For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.
 
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These verses, especially the one in bold above, have meant a little more to me as of late than they have in the past.  They fill my heart with a peace and joy that is hard to explain, but I'll definitely try.
 
It all started back a few years ago when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Back then I thought very little about God's plan for my life where illness and suffering were concerned.  I thought that Fibro was a bump in the road, and that surely God didn't plan it to be in my life - it just was.  I have realized since then that, though God is not the cause of our suffering (that ultimately is caused by sin), He does allow it for reasons that are sometimes only known to Him.
 
 
 
 
How can I say that?  Well, my thinking on this began to change drastically back in June.  Though I've only alluded to it in my Monthly Milestones posts, my health has been a challenge, especially since June.  I've had more sensitivities to foods (IBS is a daily occurrence if I don't watch what I eat), exercise or a lack thereof is affecting my strength and fatigue levels more than ever, and the amount of migraines I've been having has risen exponentially, and they are lasting longer, too.  I've had tests for bleeding disorders because I'm bruising easier, I had an ASCUS pap in July (which was of no concern after further looking into it), I've been diagnosed with Fibrocystic Breast Disease or Fibrosis (Hurray for no cancer, but I still have to be diligent to check for new/growing lumps.  I have to go back in a year, sooner if I notice something new, but no surgery or biopsies for now.), and have recently had some issues feeling like I was swallowing around a lump in my throat which I have to keep an eye on (they think it is allergy/illness related and caused by excess phlegm, not thyroid, since it seems to be improving).  I've even been having random 99 range temperatures more often than not.  I feel very much like a freak of nature, and I have found myself asking God "why?" a lot.
 
You see, I let myself get to the point where I got angry.  I found myself looking around at all the healthy people.  I found myself looking in the mirror and being upset that I can't lose weight like "normal" people or that I can't seem to get and stay healthy.  I was feeling picked on, and I let God know it.  I quite simply cried out to Him with, "Really, Lord?  Really?  But I have plans!  I have goals!  I want to serve You and take care of my family!  Is that so wrong?  Why have you left me so helpless?"
 
Oh, yah.  I went there. 
 
And you know what He whispered back?  "I know you have plans...But you never thought to ask about Mine."
 
Ouch.
 
No, I hadn't thought about God's plans.  I couldn't see what His purpose was for allowing me to face such darkness.  I didn't see how light could come from trial.  Sometimes, I still struggle to see it.  Truth be told, it still looks like dark.  I feel like a little child alone in a dark room, waiting for the monsters to come out of the closet.
 
Here's the thing that God has been showing me, though.  He is showing me that He has chosen me to walk through the dark.  He is asking me to take the scary path.  I don't know why, but I do know this: The path that I want to go down of good health and service is NOT the path that I think it is.
 
 

 
You see, I see the easy path.  You know the one.  The one with the flowers and no twists and turns.  It is well lit and beautiful, and it looks perfect.  But, that's just it: It just looks perfect.  I can't see that it leads to a drop off that will put me in great danger. I can only see the immediate.  It is not the right path for me.
 
God's path for me looks a bit like the things nightmares are made of.  It looks like that scary dark room, and I'm that little child who is freaking out looking at all the shadows.  I've cried out to God, my Father, and asked Him to turn on the lights, only to find that He is offering a flashlight to illuminate only a little at a time.
 
"See?" He says, "That's not a monster.  It's a rocking chair.  It's where I will sit and hold you when you cry, need comfort, or when you need some time alone with Me."
 
He shines His light in another dark corner and says, "And that's nothing to fear.  It's just a pile of books that will teach you many wonderful things."
 
The lights go out again, and I realize that the shapes in the dark are not what they seem to be.  They are things that will be or are sources of comfort and learning.  The light, His light, shows us that the things that go bump in the night are not what they appear - they are things for our learning and our joy...if we don't give into the fear.
 
 
 
 
Best yet?  God is there with us to hold our hands, just like any good parent would do for a frightened child.  And you know what?  I am just such a child.  I have been frightened of the unknown, I've wanted the lights on, I've wanted the easy and the known, but that's not what God has for me.  He has a plan that will be more beautiful, more amazing, and more wonderful than I could ever imagine...If I'm willing to trust Him.
 
So, here is where I am.  I am in the dark with a flashlight, holding onto God's hand as tightly as I can.  I don't know what's in the dark.  I am admittedly a bit afraid, but God is showing me that He is there, and it is His plan.  I will come through it better than I could ever imagine, if I just hold onto Him, even if the results seem scary and bad, they aren't.  They are lessons to be learned that can be learned no other way.  They are the way to greatness and love that is beyond understanding.  They are His thoughts and His ways...and I trust Him.
 
 
 
 
Please continue to keep me in your prayers.  I've gotten very few answers regarding my health, but tests have come back "normal" or "inconclusive", and we just have to wait and see.  God has given me some encouraging things to help me along my dark path (like great prayer warrior friends and amazing family), and for that I am grateful.  I am humbled that He'd choose me to go through these things, and so very grateful He's with me each step of the way.
 
 
 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Monthly Milestones {11}


Today is my eleventh time running my monthly feature where I will be giving you updates on how I am doing physically, mentally, etc. and in which you can link up a post about some form of progress you are making, if you wish (see details below). I am enjoying this, and being publicly accountable (as hard as it is) will and is helping me out tremendously.  I hope you enjoy this link-up as well, will link up something inspiring and share it with others so that we can meet our goals together! :)

Here is how I am doing as of yesterday:



Me as of today, November 1, 1014, at 229.5 lbs.


  1. I've lost a little.  My weight has been kind of stair stepping down this month.  I'd lose about a quarter pound, gain half, lose 1 pound, gain half, etc.  I am glad that I ended up half pound lighter by the end of the month, and can hope that next month it is more than that. :)  I'll keep plugging away! :)
      
  2. I am still trying to walk daily, at least during the week days.  The weather is definitely colder and yuckier.  I normally get only the walks in that it takes to get my daughter too and from school, but sometimes I get more.  I'm hoping that my body will let me continue to walk because I miss it when I don't get them in.  We shall see!  If not, me thinks I need to try to get some time in with the Wii Fit. :)
         
  3. My system is still gaining sensitivities to certain foods.  Basically, I am finding that I have very little tolerance for foods on my "don't eat too much of this" list.  I am having more and more IBS-type symptoms when I do, and even experiencing more migraines (though I cannot 100% link the migraines to the foods vs. weather).  It has been interesting to say the least.  I guess I just better start being really good whether I want to or not! LOL :D
        
  4. I'm slowly starting some of the changes on my blogs, and not all of them for good reasons.  I'm still insanely busy and been dealing with some health issues that I will explain more in the next point, so I haven't gotten to any of the real fun changes that I have planned for here or on Natural and Free.  I have, however, found that some people have been taking my free Fibro and inspirational images and modifying them or changing the link to them so that I am not getting the traffic from them or the credit for them. People are even marketing them as their own work.  This means that I will be adding a watermark of sorts to them, that I've had to contact some sites about either removing my content or giving me credit, and a few other things. 

    Let me be clear: I want my images to be free to use for personal use, and I want you all to have easy access.  However, using my images without giving me credit, editing them without permission and calling them yours is STEALING.  Don't do it. 

    If you are a blog, business, etc. who wants to use one of my images, especially if you would like some changes made, contact me FIRST before using them.  I will be flattered you want to use them, though I do like to know which blogs, businesses, etc. want to use my images and have the right to say no for reasons of my own choosing.  Please respect that.  If you do not, I will ask that you remove the images, or I will contact who I have to to report the theft of my intellectual property, and no one wants that. :)

    If anyone (business, blog, person, or otherwise) wants to modify the images, email me, and I will modify them for you or discuss the terms of you modifying them.  I am more than happy to modify images according to my terms and open to suggestions about new ones.

    My images are not to be sold or used for profit without express permission from me.  If I have to, I will remove the images and make them "by request" only, but I don't want to have to do that.  Thank you all for understanding. :)
       
  5. I'm going through some medical testing right now.  About 3 weeks ago or so, I found a lump in my right breast.  I have also developed tenderness and some swelling in my left breast.  I had a mammogram on both breasts and ultrasound on the lump in the right breast on Thursday, October 30th, 2014, and hope to get the results from that some time next week.  Breast cancers, benign cysts, lumps, etc. run very high in my family, so neither I nor my doctor are taking this lightly.  I had a physical 3 1/2 months ago or so and felt no lump or tenderness then (and even as little as a month and a half ago I felt nothing either), so even if this is the "worst case", we feel like we've found it very quickly.  Of that I am grateful.  Prayers and thoughts appreciated as we wait on results and then decided on next steps.  Thank you!  I will keep you all posted.


That about sums it up for now.  How are you doing?  Are you reaching your goals?  Have you tried something new?  Come up with a new recipe?  I hope all is going well with you, and I hope you will link-up a post telling me all about it or even leave a comment sharing your thoughts.  As always, I wish you the best of luck in all you do, and hope you will return soon! :)





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Monday, October 6, 2014

Monthly Milestones {10}


I know this is a few days late, and I apologize.  It was a very crazy weekend, and we were not home, and I have not had a chance to put this up until today.  My plan had been to put this up Friday, and when that didn't happen, the plan was Sunday, but all I managed to accomplish was getting my picture taken, so...today is the day!  Again, I apologize.  Better late than never, though, right? :)

Anyway, today is my tenth time running my monthly feature where I will be giving you updates on how I am doing physically, mentally, etc. and in which you can link up a post about some form of progress you are making, if you wish (see details below). I am enjoying this, and being publicly accountable (as hard as it is) will and is helping me out tremendously.  I hope you enjoy this link-up as well, will link up something inspiring and share it with others so that we can meet our goals together! :)

Here is how I am doing as of yesterday:




Me on October 5, 2014 at 230 lbs.

  1. My weight has essentially stayed the same.  My weight has fluxed a little between about 229 and 231, eventually tapering off to just above 230 (230.2 lbs. according to Wii Fit).  To say I have not been frustrated would be an understatement, but I can not be completely upset either.  I mean, I haven't been riding the roller coaster of weight loss and gain, so that's a start!  I'll keep plugging away! :)
      
  2. I am still able to walk a little pretty much daily!  Since my daughter has started preschool, I am able to walk Monday through Thursday for about 15 minutes or so each day.  When I can walk more than that after school is done and it is not raining, hubby and I try to get out and walk.  It's been raining a LOT here lately, so we've not been able to do a lot of extra walking, but today is looking nicer so hopefully we can today and other days when the weather behaves. :)
         
  3. My system is getting more and more sensitive to certain foods.  Here's what I know: garlic in any form, raw onion, corn products of any type, too many grains, too much processed sugar (honey is fast becoming my go-to sweetener), soy in any form, too much pre-made foods or highly processed foods, or too many foods that are fried or considered junk are BAD.  My body is letting me know very quickly that I cannot eat these things.  I get IBS-type symptoms, migraines, pain or all of the above.  Not worth it.  Sometimes, eating out or having limited choices happens, and I have to pick the lesser of the evils, but I have a feeling that there will come a point where I cannot do this.  I have a very short list of things I can eat when dining out, and if I stray from it, it is a bad day.  I hope the list doesn't get too much shorter, but it just might.  We shall see!
        
  4. The exciting plans for my blogs will happen...just not any time soon. I've been more than a little busy with family, schooling, writing for the local paper, church and other things (including illness), and have not been able to post or make any more changes here or on Natural and Free.  This doesn't mean I have forgotten about you all (trust me, I wish I could post more, but the time just has not been available), it just means that life - family, church and responsibilities outside the online realm - have to have priority, and when that gets crazy, the blogs suffer.  I will find a routine that  makes blogging easier; I just haven't found it yet! :)  Thanks for your patience! :)
       
  5. I've been in a fair amount of pain for weeks now.  Between migraines, IBS-symptoms and body aches or stiffness, I've had a really hard time pain-wise.  Part of it is the stormy weather.  Part of it is this new extra sensitivity to foods.  Part of it is doing too much and feeling overwhelmed.  It has caused a whirlwind of emotion for me, especially frustration.  I just want to function normally, and I don't.  When I hurt, the Fibro Fog is worse, the emotions go into hyper drive, and the world spins out of control.  There is a grieving process involved with that.  I grieve the loss of me.  I know that at times like this, I need to be in the Bible more and praying more, and it does help.  I don't know why God has chosen this valley for me, but He has, and He walks through it with me.  Just pray I don't lose sight of that. :)  Thanks!


That's all for now, I suppose, and again I apologize for being so late in getting this up.  How are you doing?  Are you reaching your goals?  Have you tried something new?  Come up with a new recipe?  I hope all is going well with you, and I hope you will link-up a post telling me all about it or even leave a comment sharing your thoughts.  As always, I wish you the best of luck in all you do, and hope you will return soon! :)





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Friday, September 26, 2014

Fibromyalgia Infographic {Courtesy of MBA-Healthcare-Management.com}

Awhile ago, I was sent an email regarding a Fibromyalgia infographic*, and I am just now getting the time to share it with you (Thanks for sending it my way, Skylar!).  If you follow this link, you can find a way to share it on your blog, Facebook page, etc., if you wish.  You can also find some more information there on Fibromyalgia, as well.  

I don't think this covers everything about Fibromyalgia by any stretch, but I think that's mainly because we are still learning about it.  I can tell you, though, this infographic is one of the most thorough I've seen, and would be very helpful to share with someone wondering what Fibromyalgia is or what all is involved in trying to manage it, diagnose it, etc.  Definitely worth sharing! :)

Fibromyalgia

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Fellow Fibro sufferers, what information would you want added to this infographic if a revision was to be made in future?

What questions do you think this doesn't answer that would be helpful to have answers to?


*I was not paid or otherwise compensated to share this infographic, nor do I work for nor necessarily agree with everything done by or come up with from MBA-Healthcare-Management.com or their associates.  I am only sharing this infographic because I thought it would be of benefit to you, my readers.  Your decision to share it is your own and will not result in me or yourself receiving any sort of benefits, pay, or other form of compensation from MBA-Healthcare-Management.com or their associates.



Saturday, September 6, 2014

Monthly Milestones {9}


Today is my ninth time running my monthly feature where I will be giving you updates on how I am doing physically, mentally, etc. and in which you can link up a post about some form of progress you are making, if you wish (see details below). I am enjoying this, and being publicly accountable (as hard as it is) will and is helping me out tremendously.  I hope you enjoy this link-up as well, will link up something inspiring and share it with others so that we can meet our goals together! :)

Here is how I am doing as of today:



Me as of today, September 6, 2014, at 230 lbs.
  

  1. My weight has been all over the map this month, ending in a 1 lb. weight gain.  So, my weight has been up and down like a roller coaster (literally) this month.  At one point, I was up around 236 lbs.  Yah, not my finest hour...  This last week, though, my weight has been steadily dropping, so that is a plus!  I have found that I MUST eat as little processed food as possible, mostly proteins and non-grains and very little refined sugar in order to lose weight.  It is a struggle because I love me some pretzels, but I can't have them very often or in large amounts if I want my weight to go down.  It is what it is.  I will keep plugging away, and hopefully next month I will have a weight loss to report! :D
      
  2. Hubby and I are still walking almost daily!  We normally walk for at least 15 minutes, closer to an hour if we can manage, sometimes even longer.  We walk whenever we can.  The only time we don't is when it is raining too hard to do so.  I'm not sure what we'll do when it starts snowing, but I plan on walking as long as the windchill is in a safe range and it isn't blizzarding outside.  I truly feel awful when I can't walk, so I know that will help motivate me to keep it up even when it is cold outside.
         
  3. I'm still working on what I can and can't eat.  The only thing new I've cemented for sure is that grains in more than one or 2 servings (and generally it is more than 1) a day for me = weight gain.  I have also found I have to avoid corn most of the time.  I can enjoy carbs, but I have to be VERY selective about which ones.  I can eat fruit and honey more often than say limited ingredient chips, pretzels, pasta or bread and cane sugar, too.  I try to keep myself focused on protein and veggies, though.  Also, processed/pre-made/fast foods are pretty much a no-go unless I'm very picky about brands, amounts, etc.   It's not easy for me to follow all of these "rules", but if I stray too much from them, I have stomach issues, headaches, weight gain, etc. so hopefully that will motivate me enough to stay away.  Overall, I'm figuring out what works for me and what doesn't.
        
  4. I am still working on those exciting plans for my blogs! As you have probably noticed, I've been very busy and have not been able to post or make any more changes here or on Natural and Free. I still have other plans in the works, but I have no idea when I will be able to implement them. Thanks for your patience! :)
       
  5. School is back in full swing and going quite well!  Our first week of homeschool via online school is done, and went very well!  My Sean got 100% on his first spelling test, which is completely awesome, and doing well overall, and Stephen is doing amazingly with his coursework, too.  I'm so proud of them!  Elaina is due to start preschool in a few weeks, and is beyond excited!  She won't be having the teacher we expected (which totally bums me out), but we have every hope that she will have an amazing teacher. :)  We shall see! Oh, and I've even got to Admin some groups for my boys' school on Facebook, so that's been exciting!  It's a way for me to help other Learning Coaches (LCs) and students when it comes to schooling stuff, and that's right up my alley. :)  All in all, I'd say back-to-school is off to a chaotic, but good start!
My crazy kiddos on the boys' first day of school.  Don't they all look ready for learnin'?!?! :D



That's all for now, I suppose.  How are you doing?  Are you reaching your goals?  Have you tried something new?  Come up with a new recipe?  I hope all is going well with you, and I hope you will link-up a post telling me all about it or even leave a comment sharing your thoughts.  As always, I wish you the best of luck in all you do, and hope you will return soon! :)





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Grab A Badge!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Monthly Milestones {8}


Today is my eighth time running my monthly feature where I will be giving you updates on how I am doing physically, mentally, etc. and in which you can link up a post about some form of progress you are making, if you wish (see details below). I am enjoying this, and being publicly accountable (as hard as it is) will and is helping me out tremendously.  I hope you enjoy this link-up as well, will link up something inspiring and share it with others so that we can meet our goals together! :)

Here is how I am doing as of today:



Me as of today, August 2, 2014, at around 229 lbs. (Wii Fit says 228.8 lbs., but I round to the nearest 1/2 lb.)
 
  1. My weight has stayed relatively the same.  Wii Fit says 228.8 lbs, but I round to the nearest 1/2 lb., so essentially my weight is the same as it was last month.  Truthfully, this month has been a real struggle weight-wise.  I've been up and down a lot.  I am confident that I'll figure out what I need to figure out to help weight loss become steady, but until then, I keep plugging along. :)
      
  2. I've been able to keep active!  My hubby and I are still able to go for a walk pretty much daily, and it is generally around a half hour or so.  I truly hope we can keep it up even after the weather turns.  When I don't get to go for a walk, I feel blah.  I figure this is a good sign that my body is enjoying the exercise. :)
     
  3. I'm still working on what I can and can't eat.  I've been trying to avoid grains as much as possible, and it does seem to help with the weight loss.  I've found that I can do a serving a day, sometimes up to 2, without too much issues with my weight, though going without more often than not seems to make a big difference with my ease of weight loss.  I've discovered I cannot tolerate corn or corn products.  I can have them once in a blue moon, but even that is iffy.  This stinks because I really love popcorn, but it hates me. :(  I've also noticed that my body is getting more and more sensitive to soy.  I have to be really careful about eating out and most Chinese is a no go.  So sad.  I've also suspecting an issue with fried foods/grease and spice.  I can't really eat anything fried or that is really greasy or spicy.  This makes me wonder about a gallbladder issue.  I guess I will have more than a few things to talk to my doctor about the next time I see him! :)
       
  4. I've been successful in reducing the amount of caffeine I consume and with portion control.  Though I have some days that aren't as successful, I have been able to drink less coffee for the most part.  I have also been trying to pay attention to when I am actually full and/or hungry, which has helped me loss some weight this week alone.  I am thrilled to be gaining some control, even if it is slow going. :)
       
  5. I'm doing better with reducing the amount and kind of processed/pre-made/fast foods I eat.  I've done so much better the last few weeks with this especially!  I think it helps that fast food/processed food has been making me physically ill, but any improvement is improvement. :)
       
  6. July was crazier as predicted.  As much fun as some things were (like being a guest on TheMomCafe.com), there were some not so fun things, too.  I am glad July is done, truth be told, but the growing I did as a person I wouldn't trade for the world.  You learn a lot about yourself when you have to face difficult things that you can't learn any other way.  In some ways, these lessons are more precious than the others because they come at a higher cost.
       
  7. My daughter's surgery went well, but her recovery was another story.  You can read the full story here.  Her surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and put tubes in her ears couldn't have gone more routinely, but her recovery did not.  She had a post-tonsillectomy hemorrhage which required another surgery about a week after her original surgery.  She's nearly fully recovered now, and will be off all restrictions on Monday, August 4, 2014.  I can't wait! :)  She still has a cough and some congestion from time to time, but it is no where near what it was.  She is acting more and more like my little girl every day.  Thank you so much to those who have prayed for us and offered words of encouragement.  They mean the world to me! :)
        
  8. I am still working on those exciting plans for my blogs!  As you can see, I've made some more changes here and on Natural and Free.  I still have other plans in the works, but I have no idea when I will be able to implement them.  Thanks for your patience! :)
       
  9. It's that time of year again!  In September, we will begin on our second homeschooling adventure via online school.  I am feeling more prepared now, though it will be interesting to see how junior high differs from elementary.  My daughter will even be going to preschool via public school this fall!  I can't believe I have a 7th grader, 5th grader and preschooler!  Where does the time go?
Books on the shelf, ready and waiting for September!



That's all for now, I suppose.  How are you doing?  Are you reaching your goals?  Have you tried something new?  Come up with a new recipe?  I hope all is going well with you, and I hope you will link-up a post telling me all about it or even leave a comment sharing your thoughts.  As always, I wish you the best of luck in all you do, and hope you will return soon! :)



 

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

When "Standard" And "Routine" Turn Into Anything But...

Elaina before her Tonsillectomy, Adenoidectomy and bilateral ear tube placement with myringotomy on July 14, 2014.
Our daughter Elaina had standard, routine surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and to have tubes put into both ears on Monday, July 14, 2014 at 7:40am or so.  As you can see in the picture above, she showed no fear about the procedure.  She was smiling, laughing, asking questions, and in a lot of ways excited about the whole experience.  Oh, we told her there would be pain and she'd wake up having an IV and all of that, but she isn't quite 4 yet (her birthday is in just a few days on July 28th), so she didn't quite understand it all.  However, even when she came out of anesthesia (which she had some of the standard terrors of  emergence delirium common in children waking up from anesthesia making it not so fun with a lot of crying), she was in pretty good spirits despite the pain and even asked to stay at the hospital when she found out they had a playroom. :)  I couldn't have been more proud of her overall attitude.
 
Surgery itself went perfectly.  She was a bit congested in her sinuses before surgery, but it was nothing that prevented surgery.  She had no sign of infection of any sort (he concluded the congestion was most likely seasonal allergies or even related to the adenoid/tonsil issue so the surgery would probably help that whole ordeal), and he predicted a standard recovery.  We were instructed to make sure she drank as much as possible, to make sure to manage her pain with the prescribed pain medications (regular Tylenol and Advil that could be given every 6 hours each - there was no Norco or Lortab prescribed due to the fact that most kids her age did better with non-narcotic medications), and keep an eye on her for any post-op complications such as pneumonia, bleeding, high fever or infection.
 
When we came home, she did so-so.  She didn't want to take her pain medication, so she let herself get too sore before we could get her to take it.  This lead to not wanting to drink too much, though she wanted to eat soft foods pretty often, especially some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies that I made that melt in your mouth.  She had a little bit of a cough from anesthesia and her temp would go from normal to 99 range to even just over 100, but all of that was normal, post-surgery stuff that got better the more we got her to drink.  I did make a few calls, and her doctor (after a phone call conversation with his nurse that was relayed to him) almost put her on an antibiotic on Friday, July 18th, because her temp was up and down so much (he was concerned because of her cough and fluxing temp that she might be at risk for pneumonia), but the antibiotic he prescribed for her was one she could not take (we are suspecting she has a Penicillin/Amoxicillin allergy of sorts - IBS, vomiting, diarrhea thing - and he prescribed Augmentin which contains Amoxicillin), and we couldn't get ahold of anyone to get a substitute since they were closed by then.  We did end up talking to a doctor on call at the hospital who told us that what I was describing to him did not sound abnormal for the type of surgery she had had, so no antibiotic was needed for now, but if her temp went up over 101 or she seemed toxic or unable to breathe, I was to take her in to get checked out.  We agreed to this, and she did indeed seem to be doing better by Saturday, July 19th.
 
Now, back tracking just a little, Elaina doesn't like jello or popsicles and she's not a huge drinker anyway, so it was a real challenge to get her to consume enough liquids.  I'm not sure she ever really did, but we did what we could.  She never showed signs of true dehydration, though (as I said before) her temp did jump around a little pointing to the fact that she did indeed need to drink more.  She fussed a lot, not wanting to swallow and often drooling or breathing with her mouth wide open, and I always knew in my heart of hearts that something wasn't quite right with her healing process, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I told myself that if she continued to struggle with wanting to drink and swallow or her temp was still bouncing around in the 99s or so by Monday, July 21, 2014, that I would take her in for a check up to make sure everything was ok.  Until then, I would do what I needed to do to keep her comfy and to try to get her to drink as much as possible.
 
On Sunday, July 20, 2014, I checked her mouth as she sometimes asked me to do.  I noticed that her "scabs" were starting to slough off as expected.  I was hopeful that this meant that her issues with swallowing would soon be ending and that she was well on her way to full health again...I couldn't have been more wrong.
 
Now, before I go on, let me make it VERY clear that her surgeon was EXCELLENT and did everything right.  He almost never has any complications after his surgeries.  She had excellent care in the hospital, we never let her eat anything she wasn't supposed to have, and we were doing everything right.  What follows is a rare event that happens in around 4% of surgeries like hers, regardless of how good the surgeon, how excellent the care or how well you follow post-op instructions...
 
This is a picture of Elaina with her Daddy right after her surgery on July 14, 2014, because I don't have one from the wee hours of July 21, 2014, but she looked pretty similar except she didn't have her glasses because I forgot them.
***Note: I get a little graphic in my description of what happened, so please, if you are sensitive to that sort of thing or a young one, you may not want to read any further.***

Around 10:30pm on Sunday, July 20th, about an hour or so after we put Elaina to bed, I heard her crying and coughing.  I knew it was about time for her to have Tylenol, so I went to get some ready for her, and groaned within myself wondering if this would be yet another long night for her and for me.  I was exhausted, I wanted her well, and I just couldn't figure out why this "routine" and "standard" surgery was having such a difficult recovery period.

When I walked into her room to get her, she was sitting up, and I noticed that the drool she was drooling looked pretty dark (I had the hall light on and not her room light).  I quickly turned on her room light and stopped cold.  It was blood.  Bright red blood, and it was coming out of her mouth.  I called for my husband as I looked into her mouth.  I saw more blood (it was all coming out of her mouth, though I saw tinges of it in the snot coming from her nose and none was coming out of her ears), so I ran her to the bathroom to let her spit it in the toilet, telling my husband to call the hospital NOW because she was not supposed to be spitting out bright red blood, and that's when I realized the magnitude of the situation.  She was not spitting out a little bit of blood, but a whole lot...and more was coming.

I watched my daughter begin to more or less vomit blood mixed with mucus, and my heart sank.  I knew I needed to get dressed, I knew I needed to pack a small bag to take to the hospital and I knew I needed to do it yesterday.  I remember telling my husband to call and ambulance at about the same time the hospital was telling him to do so.  I remember telling my daughter that I wasn't leaving her, that I was right here, I was just getting dressed and packing a bag.  I remember telling her to spit the yuckies into the toilet and keep breathing for me.  I remember telling her how brave she was, I remember calling her my big, brave girl as I watched the toilet water turn bright red and seem to fill with blood.  I remember watching blood droplets spray across the floor as she coughed, and I remember wiping off her hands and face, and going through at least 3 wash cloths trying to keep her face and hands blood-free.  I remember yelling upstairs to the boys to get dressed and get a bag packed for grandma's.  I remember calling my mom and not reaching her until after the First Response team showed up and telling her to come now, that Elaina was bleeding and we were heading to the hospital.  I remember the look on the First Responder's face when he saw my little girl gurgling on blood and crying and coughing out some small clots, the Tonsillectomy "scabs" and more blood and mucus.  I remember his repeated, "Wow"s, "Ok"s, and "Oh, my"s that made me know this was not looking real wonderful.  I remember somehow finding myself completely dressed, a bag packed with most of what I needed (I forgot Elaina's glasses, her underwear, her socks and shoes and my purse), and somehow able to be there for my daughter when she needed me with a semi-level head.  I remember telling her the nice man was here to help and she needed to do what he asked her to do.  I remember answering questions and being so very glad that I keep records of when I give medications and symptoms and such.  I remember being glad I was an organized person, but really hating the fact that I'd unpacked the overnight bag Saturday night thinking we were in the clear.  I remember racking my brain to try and think of anything we'd done wrong, wishing I'd gotten her to drink more, feeling like maybe somehow it was my fault, wishing I'd not gotten upset and groaned when I heard her cry, wondering if I'd held her enough and knowing deep down in my heart that I really had done everything right, that I was a good mommy (though not a perfect one), and that this was no one's fault; it was just a freak thing that happened in 4% of cases.
 
Most of all, though, I remember my conversation with God as I was doing all of these things.  I remember praying to Him, begging Him not to ask me to go through this, to not let Elaina go through this.  I begged Him not to make me watch my daughter die.  I was fighting back tears and pleading to my Heavenly Father, and I felt the panic try to take me.  Right in the midst of that panic, God touched my heart and told me as clear as day that He was not going to make me watch my daughter die, but He was going to ask me to go through something hard, and He was going to be right there with me.  I didn't understand, it hurt my heart, but I knew I could trust Him and it would be ok...even if it wasn't.  I knew she'd be fine or she wouldn't be, but God was there and He was good, and somehow, some way it would be ok.  I know that sounds crazy to some of you, but there was a peace I cannot explain over the whole thing.  My husband was calm, my daughter was amazingly calm, and I was calm.  Yes, we were scared, but we had God's peace, and that is an amazing thing.
 
I watched my daughter bleed, coughing and spitting up blood for about 10 to 15 minutes.  In hindsight, she probably lost no more blood than a nasty nosebleed of the same duration, but when it is coming out of the mouth it seems so much worse, especially as little as she is.  We estimate that she lost maybe about 2 small Dixie cups worth of actual blood, but it seemed like so much more with all the mucus and such.  When she finally coughed out the last "scab" (which was between the size a quarter and a 50 cent piece), the bleeding finally started to slow down to pretty much stopped.  It was at that point that they were able to thoroughly check her out and told us that her vitals were good, that she was showing no signs of shock and that we could drive her to the hospital ourselves.  I didn't want to (I wanted to go via ambulance), but my husband insisted it would be less traumatic for her to go via our car than ambulance and they assured me she was stable (especially since she wanted to show them her room and her stuffed animals), so I agreed.
 
I sat next to her in the car as we drove the 45 minutes to the hospital.  Her drool was still tinged a little red, but the bleeding was otherwise done, and she was breathing and acting ok.  She was drifting off to sleep, and I worried about that, but I knew that I was right beside her and I could monitor her, so I let her sleep.  I held her head in my hand and kept watching her like a hawk.  God was whispering in my ear like only He can that she was in His hands, that she would be ok, and I felt more of the calm returning.
 
When we got to the hospital, we were immediately moved to an exam room in the ER.  The surgeon on call said that we could wait and see if the bleeding completely stopped on its own, but her best bet was to do surgery to re-cauterize the area or areas that were bleeding.  It would mean more anesthesia, but it was her best option, so we did it.
 
Because she'd had something to eat and drink between 8pm and 9pm and she was stable, we had to wait to do the surgery just a little while.  While we waited, the nurse told us that when his son was 10 years old he had had bleeding just like our daughter, but his had not been easy to control.  He told us that he'd gotten the supplies he needed to take care of his son and about how he knew what we were going through.  It was amazing to have such a kind, tender man who understood exactly how we felt be there to help reassure us.  We know God put him there for us, and that was a blessing.
 
I cannot tell you how amazing the on call staff was.  They were great with her.  She relaxed and let them do what they needed to do.  She was so good and so brave, and I knew God had His hand in all of it.  They knew just what to say to calm my nerves, and they knew just how to handle our daughter's fears.  It was a real blessing.
 
Her second surgery in less than a week's time (it took place sometime between midnight and 1am or so on Monday, July 21st)  went well.  She had several small tears, but none were near main veins or arteries, so that was great.  She had a bit of congestion, but no signs of infection.  The surgeon (a different one than the one who had done her first surgery) told us that he had every confidence that the surgery was successful and that we should not see a recurrence of bleeding.  He also told us that the tears had already shown signs of clotting on their own before he got in there, so that was also a good sign.  She did have some blood in her stomach, which they suctioned out most of and what they missed came up later after she woke up from anesthesia via vomit (REALLY nasty to see that), but it was what she'd swallowed, not that she had bleeding in her stomach, so all was well there, too.  God had protected our little girl in more ways than we even knew how to count, that much was obvious.
 
Right away, we noticed a marked improvement in Elaina when she came out of anesthesia (she still had some of the classic terrors of emergence delirium, but not as bad as the first time, and (as I mentioned above) she did vomit once which was actually a good thing because she needed to get that nastiness out of her stomach).  She was drinking better, talking better and acting more like our little girl.  She still had a cough, but her lungs sounded good, so they assured us that it was due to having anesthesia twice in a week's time.
 
Don't get me wrong; Elaina still has a long way to go.  She is drinking better for us and her pain seems a lot better (they did give us Lortab this time for her, but she only has it at night if she absolutely needs it, otherwise she does regular Tylenol and Advil).  She still has a cough, but her congestion is less than it was.  I did have her checked out yesterday to make sure she is recovering properly and was assured that everything looked good and indeed her congestion/cough was surgery related.  We still have to watch her for pneumonia and other complications, but she is doing well for the most part.
 
We would ask if you would keep our daughter in your prayers, please.  I will admit that I am finding myself getting a little nervous about a re-bleed (though the chance is nearly nonexistent) and pneumonia.  Maybe it is a lack of faith on my part or maybe it is a normal concerned parent reaction after all we've been through, but it is what it is.  If you would pray, will you please pray for these things:
  1. That Elaina would have no more complications, including pneumonia, infection or another post-op hemorrhage.
       
  2. That Elaina would drink for us.  She is doing better about this, but she still doesn't drink as much as she should due to the fact that she is not a big drinker more than anything else.
       
  3. That we would be able to know if/when to call the doctor/hospital and when to relax.  Though she is doing a lot better, we don't want to ignore anything.  As I've said, she still has a cough/congestion (which we did have checked out and was told she is fine, as I said), and we don't want to ignore it if we shouldn't.  So far, her lungs are clear and she has had no fever (though her temp was up to just 100 and in the 99 range off and on Tuesday and Wednesday; it is normal today so far), so all looks good.
Thank you so much!  I have been posting updates on how she is doing via Facebook and will continue to do so.  I will update here, too, but it will be either after she is fully recovered or if something else comes up like a complication or something (which we are voting for not happening!).
 
I hope you all are doing well and that your lives are no where near as crazy as mine have been.  You are in my thoughts in prayers!
 
One more thing before I go.  The one thing that I have learned through all of this is that God is good all the time, no matter what.  We saw His hand in the help Elaina got, the care she received, the staff on call, the peace that surrounded us and so much more, even my Fibromyalgia has been behaving for the most part and I've had almost no pain (though this experience has been exhausting for all of us).  He truly is the calm in the storm.  I don't know what we'd do without Him!
 
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers!  They mean so much!
 
 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I'm a Guest on TheMomCafe.com Today!


I just wanted you all to know that today I am a guest over at TheMomCafe.com! I hope you will all hop on over and check out my post entitled, Fighting the Legend of Super Mom!
   
  
I think you will find it a great encouragement for when you feel less than super. I am closing comments here, but you can hop on over to TheMomCafe.com and leave a comment if you wish, and feel free to check out the rest of Chris's site. You will love it! She has a lot of wonderful, encouraging stuff there for all! :)
   
Thanks for having me as a guest, Chris! I hope I am an encouragement to your readers today!
   
To read the post, go here: Fighting the Legend of Super Mom!
    

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Monthly Milestones {7}


Today is my seventh time running my monthly feature where I will be giving you updates on how I am doing physically, mentally, etc. and in which you can link up a post about some form of progress you are making, if you wish (see details below). I am enjoying this, and being publicly accountable (as hard as it is) will and is helping me out tremendously.  I hope you enjoy this link-up as well, will link up something inspiring and share it with others so that we can meet our goals together! :)

Here is how I am doing as of today:


Me as of today, July 5, 2014 at 229 lbs.
Don't you just love the sunburn I got yesterday?  I had sunblock on, but apparently I either missed a few spots or it got rubbed off.  At least it doesn't hurt too much! :)
 
  1. I've gained another half a pound.  Well, I had hoped to lose, but gained again.  I am back up to 229.  However, I have been comparing pictures over the last 7 months, and I can't complain.  There is definitely a difference for the better.  My clothes are fitting better despite what the scale says, so that's a good thing! :)  Also, my weight actually went up a lot at the beginning of June (I was up to around 235 for a bit), and I've actually lost 6 lbs. this week, so that's a good thing, too.  I am starting to see what I can and cannot eat that affect my weight the most, but I'll share more about that in a bit. :)
      
  2. I've been staying more active!  My hubby and I go for a walk pretty much daily, and it is generally around a half hour or so.  It feels great to get out and walk!  The days we can't get out, I truly miss it.  I am hoping to carry this habit into the fall and winter, though I may not be able to walk as long in the winter time due to cold, but we'll see. :)
     
  3. I'm still working on what I can and can't eat.  This last week, I've cut out all grains, and my tummy is happy.  Since I've also greatly reduced all carbs, I can't say if it is the leaving out of grains that is helping or the lack of sugar or the lack of corn, etc.  I plan on trying a limited amount of grains to see if they are tolerated, but keeping out corn.  If I do ok with the grains, then I will switch to only eating corn and cutting out the other grains and see what happens.  I have continued with dairy and not noticed any issues.  I have, however, noticed that I can only tolerate a small amount (1 to 2 servings daily) of peanuts or peanut products before I start to getting a little bit of an upset tummy.  I do ok with tree nuts, though, at least almonds which is the only tree nut I've tried.  I find that when I do not have the grains in my diet, I can tolerate a small amount of garlic salt or garlic flavor in food, just not raw/cooked garlic.  In time, I hope to have everything sorted, but I know it could take awhile to figure it all out! :)
       
  4. I'm working on reducing the amount of caffiene I consume.  I am working on going from about 2 cups of coffee a day down to 1 or less, and hope to get to the point where I drink mainly decaf, unless I'm dealing with a migraine or stuffiness.  I am doing pretty good with it so far, though there is always a little bit of withdrawal, as those of you who drink any form of caffiene and have tried to cut back or quit know. :)
       
  5. I'm working on reducing the amount and kind of processed/pre-made/fast foods I eat.  Confession: I don't eat as well as I'd like.  If anything, this last month has taught me, it doesn't matter if it is soy-free or grain-free or made with all natural ingredients; junk is still junk!  I can't eat chips every day and expect my weight to behave.  I can't eat candy by the handfuls and lose weight.  I still need to eat more veggies and fruits and natural, good for you foods.  I am working on reducing the junk, and it is not an easy thing because junk is quick, healthy is not.  However, I'd rather take a little more time on my health now and spend less time being sick later. :)
       
  6. June was crazy, and July is going to be worse!  I've had every intention of blogging more this last month, but it was not to be.  I've been swamped with doctor's appointments (not illness, but eye appointments, dentist, allergist, etc.) and activities.  It's been 2 or 3 things a week at least, and that's not left much time for blogging.  July is not looking much better, but I am hoping to try to post at least once more before August.  I can't promise, though, because there is something going on pretty much every day in July that will consume a lot of my time.  I will try, though! :)
     
  7. My daughter got glasses, and my oldest got new ones!  We found out that Elaina has an astigmatism, so she got glasses right before the 4th, and my oldest got new frames.  Don't they look adorable?
    
    Stephen with his new glasses, Sean (my only non-glasses kid)
    and Elaina with her new glasses and her faithful friend, Bunny.
  8. My daughter is having surgery in 9 days. One of the doctor's appointments was for my daughter to see an ENT.  She's had issues with chronic ear infections in the past, chronic sinus infections, URIs, and strep.  We put her on medication for allergies (seasonal as far as we can tell for the most part, though nothing she's been tested for has shown positive as far as indoor allergies) that helped with the amount of ear infections, but did not reduce the amount of illness in general nor the amount of fluid behind her ears.  After noting that she was on 4 or 5 antibiotics between November of 2013 and June of 2014, her allergist informed us that she is at the age she should be outgrowing the number of illnesses requiring meds, not staying the same/increasing, hence the visit to the ENT.  After her evaluation, it was decided that indeed she had issues with her tonsils and adenoids and she had issues with her ears (all things we suspected a year ago, but the tests were inconclusive).  We decided that having her tonsils and adenoids removed and putting tubes in both of her ears was her best bet to get healthy and stay healthy.  The ENT told us we could wait on the tonsils if we wanted, but if we decided not to remove them and she still kept getting infections, she would need surgery again in less than a year.  We didn't want to put her through all that, so we decided to do everything at once.  There is a slight increase risk for complications due to her age, so we are praying earnestly about all of that, and we'd appreciate your prayers.  Please pray, too, that she (and no one else) gets sick before her surgery or we'll have to reschedule, and that's not something we want to do.  Thanks so much!  I will let you know how she is doing after the surgery in some way.
       
    (7-16-14 Update on my daughter: Her surgery went perfectly, though they did note a lot of congestion. She's been doing well, though she has developed a slight fever today and wants to cough sometimes. She also really cries when she has her ear drops. I called the doctor and am waiting on a call back. All of these things can be quite normal, but I always like to double check. :) Continued prayers appreciated, thank you!!)
      
  9. I am still working on those exciting plans for my blogs!  I've got about 1/3 to 1/2 of the changes done that I want to make.  I've got up all of my "alternative names and helpful links" pages on Natural and Free now.  There's one for soy, gluten/wheat, milk and eggs, fish and seafood and shellfish, and tree nuts and peanuts.  The other plans are in the works, just going to take longer than I thought due to busyness that I didn't plan on through July now.  It will happen...I just don't know when!  Thanks for your patience! :)
      
  10. Here's my side-by-side progress from this year.  I keep mentioning comparison on how things fit and such despite what the scale says, and yet I have not posted side-by-side comparison pics.  Well, that changes today.  Here's a side-by-side of January, 2014 to now.  You'll probably have to enlarge the picture to its original size to see the difference, but it is there. It is subtle, but there, and that is what matters most! :)

 
That's all for now, I suppose.  How are you doing?  Are you reaching your goals?  Have you tried something new?  Come up with a new recipe?  I hope all is going well with you, and I hope you will link-up a post telling me all about it or even leave a comment sharing your thoughts.  As always, I wish you the best of luck in all you do, and hope you will return soon! :)



 

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Now It's Your Turn!



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Grab A Badge!